You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again.

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Life has a funny way of turning itself upside down.

Funny, because even though sadness overtakes you, you still have to find joy in the day.

It has been really hard, but with two boys watching me, I had to shove all that life and emotions down somewhere deep inside.

Who knows if it will see the sun again.

Probably not.

But along with life being indecisive and switching things up, it could also mean that it wasn’t the life for you. You should be grateful. Right?

No. Because that means that you were wrong about someone you wanted to be so right about.

It is so hard to find your path, when you were so sure about the one you were on. Man, was I wrong. My head was definitely in the clouds. I dismissed a lot, I changed myself to make something work for it to be only one sided. I’ve lived the last 3 years of my life constantly fighting for air.

Yes, there are issues with any relationship.

But when there is no loyalty, no honesty…you start to ask yourself what you’re doing because you can’t do it all yourself.

Well, now I have to be everything myself. And it is exhausting.

To have the love of your life tell you he hasn’t loved you for a while (if ever, I’m convinced). And in a matter of weeks, (yes I said weeks) I am replaced with someone who was never on my radar, who I never knew could be a problem…can turn your life upside down.

Hence this entry.

What’s worse is that feeling of being exhausted, stems from me taking his place too because he walked out.

The love of my life, walked out on our family.

The love of my life, is now living a life without me.

I hope you never have to feel this pain.

But, with sadness comes healing and slowly but surely I am discovering this new place inside and rebuilding myself.

I’ve had to draw a thick line, due to him completely disappearing on my children. I have to accept the fact that he is gone, and he’s not coming back.

His actions (or lack of) tells me that I have to teach them that too.

And it’s so freaking sad.

He had so much potential and I thought the love inside was enough to be the man we needed.

He had his demons. And I would’ve slayed all his dragons if that meant giving him an ounce of peace.

But it wasn’t enough.

So hear I sit, thinking of the last 2 months or so with my brain echoing every conversation, every heartbreak. It’s torture. Because part of me still wants him to walk through the door like the normal days I crave.

None of that is real now. I literally spend all day redirecting my thoughts. Distracting myself past the hurt, and the anger.

I still can’t believe how one sided our relationship was.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice?

I have to remind myself how strong I am. I have to remind myself that his actions, do not define me. I have to remind myself that maybe he did me a favor.

When it decides to stick in my brain, I’ll let you know.

Until then, don’t let anyone destroy you as bad as this man has destroyed me. Find some sunshine somewhere and pull yourself out of the hole you think you’re in. Because no matter what, the sun always comes up and life does go on.

Even if it’s upside down.



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